Saturday, May 14, 2011

I wish we'd all been readdyyyyyyy

Are you rapture-ready? According to God's representative on earth Harold Camping (89), the rapture is practically upon us. It's May 21st (two days before my birthday - talk about bad luck! I'll be eating all my cake on the 20th just so you know).

I LOVE anything to do with the rapture - unfortunately I'm a teensy bit atheist and don't have a very good attention span, but bear with me - this is what I've gleaned from my extensive rapture research (mostly on the internet). The rapture is the day when God comes back to earth and judges everyone. All the good people (e.g. gullible people who give all their money to sketchy preachers) get sucked up to Heaven in a magic elevator, while all the bad people get left behind. Then the Devil comes back (in the guise of the United Nations) and there's a huge war. People who join up with the Devil get a 666 tattoo (even though tattoos are so 1998). Those who remain get persecuted and suffer horribly. Then God comes back again and kills everyone. The End.

Are you excited yet? I CAN NOT WAIT! I'm planning my rapture outfit as we speak. I'm thinking full make-up and lots of sequins so God won't be able to miss me. However, I suspect I'll be one of the 98% who Harold Camping predicts will be "left behind". I wonder if there's still time. Perhaps if I donate all my money to Mr Camping, he'll put in a good word for me with God.

But don't pack your suitcases just yet. Mr Camping's been wrong before. He predicted The Second Coming on 6 September 1994 - but sadly all that happened that day was Michael Jackson won an MTV award that day. Spooky yet wrong!

Still, I'm digging out my old copies of the Thief in the Night quadrilogy, just to get a rapture-refresher course. I'm practising running along railway tracks, screaming and hiding from helicopters.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


Anonymous said...

Well it won't be the first time that I've been 'sucked up to Heaven in an elevator', so to speak, and thus the novelty factor won't be that high. However, the return of the Devil will be fun, particularly as she wasn't well enough to attend Kate and Will's wedding.

ukjarry said...

Quartet? (And people who write "quadrilogy" should be beaten, but I'll let it pass this time).
Just four books - Pshawww - weakling.
The Rapture-based "Left Behind" series ran to 16 volumes. They even made some movies featuring my teenage crush Kirk Cameron. How disappointing that he turned out be a fervent dogmatic religious nutjob.
I turn 36 on the 22nd, so I’ll insist everybody gives me my presents before midnight the day before. Thanks for letting me know, I’d have hated to have missed out. Damned for all eternity and no cake – what torment would be worse?

- matthew davis