Sunday, August 29, 2010

What's the secret?

I don't buy gay magazines (or any magazines for that matter) because they are the mental equivalent of poison ivy. They are filled with images of happy-looking, young male models with zero body fat and once they've got you both titillated and feeling bad about yourself, there are then pages and pages of adverts, info-adverts, reviews of stuff you can buy (so more adverts really) and adverts - all also featuring the same happy male models enjoying the products that you didn't even know about and don't need. But now buying them will scratch the dissatisfaction itch and stop you from feeling like such an old, fat, ugly, boring, suburban loser (never mind that someone in China just died after working another 17 hour day and the world is steadily getting hotter).

However, a game I sometimes play in newsagents is to check whether they sell gay magazines (even though I don't buy them), and if they don't, whether they sell straight porn magazines. So I normally get to see the front covers of gay magazines for free - which is probably all you really need.

This month Attitude magazine says it's found the "secret to being gay and happy. A new way of thinking that could change your life."

As I haven't bought the magazine, I don't know what this secret is. But I'm simply desperate to know. Until a nice reader spills the details, I can only imagine. Here are my 5 guesses - bearing in mind that this is Attitude's mental health issue.

1) Kill yourself when you're 30.
2) Have plastic surgery and move to London (technically two secrets)
3) Stop reading magazines (how did that get in there?)
4) Stay in the closet, become a Tory MP, have a lifetime of heterosexual privilege and then "come out" in 2010 by which point nobody except The Daily Mail really cares.
5) Madonna


Anonymous said...

A nice reader writes:

It’s a lengthy piece about the prevalence of promiscuity, body dysmorphia, substance abuse, and other self-destructive behaviour across gay socity. The editor of the magazine has been reading a lot of gay self-help books, and feels that all this behaviour stems from childhood shame, when we were too young to know we were gay, but still able to feel somehow different and therefore separated from the unconditional love of our family and acceptance of society. The piece ends with the possibility of the magazine running a series of courses across the UK.

It is all very reminiscent of an interview with the publisher of “The Advocate” in Edmund White’s 1980 travel-survey of gay America “States of Desire”. Thirty years ago that publisher was advocating that gay people should go on homosexual-oriented est courses to overcome their sense of shame, “The Advocate Experience”.

Plus ca change, and all that.

- matthew davis

Lubin said...

Thanks Matthew! You *are* a nice reader.

theguyliner said...

I prefer Lubin's original suggestions to the actual supposed solution. Attitude attempting a kind of 'corporate social responsibility' is all very admirable but given that magazines like Attitude have reinforced the 'BUY MORE STUFF, FUCK MORE MEN, WANK OVER STRAIGHT MEN WE INTERVIEW' self-loathing, materialistic, 'kill yourself unless you're straight-acting' bullshit, perhaps the editor should be the first one put on a course. It's Attitude who's ashamed, not me, thank you very much.