Everything is Terrible
My new favourite website is Everything is Terrible, which contains a collection of "found" video clips, chronicling some of the most awful and inept fashions and ideas from the 80s and 90s and 00s, often edited down into a few succinctly awful minutes.
Here are my favourite recently terrible clips.
Hunks, hunks, hunks
Come with female drag queen "Tanya" to the Fantasy Club - a kind of early 1990s time-warp with steroided-out orange male strippers with Bon Jovi hair and bad dancing. "Are you guys as turned on as I am?"
What looks like an innocent crime defence advert/docmentary/drama/public information film turns into something rather more sinister - a piece of mind-altering gun lobby propaganda! Listen to the repetition of the phrase "happening" - obviously a "trigger" word. After we see some hilarious dramatisations of break-ins (my favourite involves the blade-wielding over-actor who is over-compensating his male pattern baldness. Then the monotonal, deadly serious narrator enterains us with some "you don't say!" statements such as "owning a gun is an awesome responsibility", "you should never point a gun at someone you don't intend to shoot" and "once you pull that trigger there is no way whatsoever to call that bullet back."
Have you ever had a mountain top experience girls?
One of the reasons I don't like religion much is that I'm not a joiner, I don't like other people, and I don't like being told what to do - least of all by an imaginary friend in the sky. The language of religion "flock", "sheep", "follower" etc. turns me right off. So at first I thought this was an ironic critical parody of religious preachers and their North Korea-like insistence on unquestioning obediance. But it isn't! Our "Golden Girls" lookalike Becky Blackmom ("I've had a brush with cancer!") has a toy sheep as a prop and keeps saying "Baa!". She literally wants us to be sheep. Baa!
THIS is hip hop
I'm not sure I can even begin to explain how awesome this clip is. "Dina" is our dance instructor and her only mission in life is to tell us what IS hip hop and what isn't hip hop. Dina LOVES hip-hop: "This is me, this how I am, this is a lifestyle. This is it." And to demonstrate her 100% hip-hop credentials, she's wearing what looks like a pimped-up netball referee's costume. Very hip-hop. Dina was obviously a wayward child and still has lingering issues: "Growing up, my mom used to tell me all the time, stand up straight. Well you know what, I WAS standing up straight." I dread to think how she would have turned out had she not been saved by hip-hop.
Don't open the box
I think this is cut from a 1970s horror film. It begins when a bus conductor appears to have kidnapped a busload of children and is holding them hostage in his home. A mysterious-looking box is delivered, and out pops a sinister ventriloquist's dummy. The dummy and the child molestor then engage in a scary duet version of Justin Beiber's nightmarish "Baby". This might be the cleverest thing ever edited. Just don't have nightmares.