Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Press 2

I have been getting a lot of phone calls recently. Rather, than being a real person at the end of the line, a recorded message excitedly tells me: "Hello, my name is Sarah Simpson..." and then tells me about a wonderful loan I am entitled to. I am instructed to press 2. After hanging up a few times, I pressed 2.

A woman answered. I told her I wanted to be taken off their list, as I was getting more calls from Sarah Simpson than from real people. She said "OK" and hung up. Today I got another call. It was from Sarah Simpson again. This time when I pressed 2, the operator hung up on me as I was in the middle of asking to be removed from their list. What a charming business (and I use the word "business" loosely, inasmuch the same way I would use the term "fraudulent con-merchants").

I sometimes take things personally. I also have a rather over-active imagination - which is not always my friend. In my mind, I have found some way of finding out the location of these people who are continuing to harangue me with unwanted calls. I track them down, wait outside their office and follow them home. Then I begin a systematic campaign of low-level harrassment, knocking at their door and trying to sell them all manner of crap. I follow them around, making loud comments about their physical appearance as they shop for food, try and enjoy themselves at the cinema or pub (or whatever people who work in dodgy telemarketing jobs do in order to help them forget what complete shits they are).

I point out to everyone who passes them on the street that they are intrusive telemarketers who hassle people all day with unwanted calls for loans. Soon nobody will serve them in shops. Every time their mobile phone rings it is me. When they turn on their tv set, I am on it - complaining about them. They get a restraining order out on me, but there are hundreds of people who are equally fed up with them, and are more than willing to take my place. Gradually, everyone who works for Sarah Simpson is driven irreversibly insane by an army of stalkers... And the world rejoices.

I doubt any of that will happen. But I've instructed my phone service to ban with-held numbers, and I've registered with the TPS. I am not certain that either of those actions will stop the redoubtable Sarah Simpson. She is certain that I am going to take out that loan, come what may. But at least if she phones again and gets through, I will have her telephone number.

1 comment:

phillip said...

If all that does come true and you do get a restraining order, let me know and I'll continue your campaign! Equally if they do get through to you and you get the phone number please pass it on to me and publish it on the web.
I have found many a good spam site on the internet over the years and all number of business telemarketing companies that I look forward to signing Sarah Simpson up to!