Sunday, January 25, 2009

My mother the enabler

I visited my parents on Friday. They used to have a spare room for me to stay in, but have since got rid of the bed in there because my mother "needs more space to dry clothes" so I was advised I'd need to stay in a hotel. There's a new one opened near where they live called The Fallen Angel which my parents both separately told me I should stay in (they wanted to see what it was like inside and must have decided that a multi-pronged attack would work best). All the rooms are themed. My fella (who likes Dr Who) chose the sci-fi room - it had giant pictures of Daleks and Cybermen on the walls, the entrace to the bathroom looked like a Tardis, and there were some retro 60s chairs and an outdoor hot-tub. When we checked in, the receptionist said "You're in the sci-if room. Do you like Dr Who?" I said "Not exceptionally, but he does," and gestured at my fella. She nodded understandingly.

My parents enjoyed poking around the room anyway (we couldn't get my mother out of that egg chair), and it will give them something to tell everyone they bump into for the next two weeks about. We had to schedule them coming to the hotel separately as their dog has panic attacks if she is left in the house alone. If they do ever have to go out together, there is a complicated ritual that must be enacted. The nest of tables which my mother recently acquired, needs to be placed on the sofas - so the dog doesn't try and climb on them. Also, my mother tells the dog "Go in you're basket, we're just going out for a short while." And then she puts the radio on (it wasn't explained why she did this) and the washing machine on - "because that will let the dog know that we're coming back soon." Does that make sense? My mother sometimes does have odd beliefs - she has claimed that moonlight can hurt your eyes, she carries a compass around with her as she always needs to know where north is, and when we were growing up she believed that if you ate fish and chocolate within an hour of each other, then you would die (when I was about 13 I had the sobering realisation that my parents might not always be right e.g. on some things they were utterly mad, so I demonstrated this by eating a big bar of chocolate just after some fishfingers - when I didn't drop down dead an hour later the bizarre spell was lifted forever).

My parents both like sweet foods. When they dine out together they sometimes skip the main course and go straight to the dessert instead. When I was growing up, my mother would often make a Christmas cake in October (claiming that it would "taste better if it was give more time to stand". Inevitably, my parents wouldn't be able to resist the siren call of the Christmas cake calling them from under a bowl in the kitchen, and it would normally be broken into by early November. One year, this happened several times, so I think we had four Christmas cakes that year - and all before December.

My fella says that my mother is an enabler, in that, even if you don't want to have something sweet she'll work on you until you do: "Would you like a kitkat? One won't hurt you. No? Well maybe you'll want one later on. I'll just put it here next to you in case you do." Perhaps contrary to medical opinion, she claims that chocolate is "good for you" (although presumably only if you've allowed the fish supper to settle).

More crazy Moms here.


David said...

coincidentally The Fallen Angel was listed in 'Britain's 10 most outrageous hotel rooms' in Saturday's Times

Tom said...

Hey Lubin - have you by any chance read a book called Beautiful People by Simon Doonan? Nigel brought it here with him (Im in Africa for 6-12 months and he came on his holiday) and we both agree you resemble the character immensely. If you havent read it, then do if you spy it someplace.


Lost Boy said...

Beautiful People was recently televised on BBC2, transporting the action to the '90s.

That was a very funny entry, Lubin. I 'LOL'ed.