Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Hello My Name is Barbara

I am about the only person left at work who doesn't have a cleaner, because I insist on doing it all myself in order to "keep me grounded". However, lately I've been working quite a lot in the evenings and weekends, and now I'm living in a bigger place I'm finding all this housework a bit dreary. And besides, I'm not very good at it. My fella doesn't do housework at all - so it often becomes a source of bitter carping "Here I am, up to my knees in your unwashed socks and what are you doing? Playing Fall of Man on the PS3 that's what!"

A sympathetic colleague told me about her Polish cleaner, so I asked if her cleaner would be interested in becoming my cleaner as well. It turned out that she would, and so on Monday morning, the bell rang and I heard a woman say "Hello, my name is Barbara." And with those words I became a capitalist, white slaver and general oppressor.

Can you tell I have liberal guilt?

Barbara does not have much English yet but she is very hardworking. As well as doing lots of cleaning, she also works in a chicken factory. She puts all us British people to shame - now that we're all too lazy and obese to fill the millions of job places that are going free - instead we claim we're suffering from "stress" or our breasts aren't big enough so we have low self esteem and need an op on the NHS before we can go outside again, or we can't walk anymore because our legs stopped working due to lack of use and all we can do is sit on the sofa, eating Kingsize Mars Bars and watching Loose Women. Barbara on the other hand refused my offer to make her tea (liberal guilt) and just went at the bathroom like a woman possessed. I had to throw her out eventually as I needed to go in to work. She looked very displeased "Is not good!" she kept saying, pointing at a floor that she had only half cleaned. I have employed her services fortnightly and gave her a big tip (liberal guilt).

When I went upstairs, the bathroom was sparkling clean, like in an advert. Or a Disney film. Just like the dirt and dust, all my liberal guilt instantly vanished...

Forget all this crap about "immigrants" taking "our" jobs that I keep reading on the BBC news "have your say" columns. I think we should deport all the lazy British people - I'm not sure Poland would have them though.


Sparky said...

My landlord started sending his cleaner over to our place, and it's changed my life. Of course, I still feel the need to tidy up before she comes over so she doesn't think we live like animals the rest of the week.

KAZ said...

I started off feeling liberal guilt. When I got over this it was because I just didn't have time to tidy up for the cleaner.

I am now a 'binge' cleaner.

Old Cheeser said...

I know what you mean about the liberal guilt thing but I don't think there's anything wrong with having a cleaner. Although maybe it's a sign of age and becoming more conscientious about cleanliness as I get older. When I was younger I didn't give a flying f*ck.

Like you though I'm now in a relationship and me and my hubbie just got so pig sick of cleaning our pad. The only time we had to do it was the weekend and they're precious enough as it is - cleaning just takes tooo much time. So Gustavo's cousin is doing it for us. Worth the (slight) expense I say!

matty said...

When I used to make lots of money in corporate hell -- I had a maid service. It was sort of neat except I felt I needed to clean before they arrived.

I also thought you were about to start writing about my god, Streisand, and feared I would have to correct your spelling -- but it wasn't about Barbra at all. Which, of course, is kind of a bummer on a different level.

Wow. a maid, an iPhone a butler too far off the menu!?!?! Neat-O!