Wednesday, October 04, 2006

All my stalkers

Me and my sister often get stalked - not at the same time. Random people have tracked me down at work and I've seen them hanging outside my office looking sheepish. Fortunately most stalkers are too shy to talk to you - and besides, if they did, it would break the fantasy that I am a perfect person, which is quite obviously not true - I do have rather bland good looks which are ideal for projecting all manner of fantasies onto, but spend 5 minutes in my company and you'll notice 20 different annoying things about me.

A few times recently after visiting my local Starbucks (my fella is a coffee addict, we have to go there every night) I've had emails and photo attachments from someone who has never met me who says things like "I hope you enjoyed your latte!" I always ignore them. Recently, we noticed that my stalker had aquired a male friend who was accompanying him to Starbucks, so I felt some relief that the stalking would come to a natural close. Imagine my outrage when the stalker's friend also started sending me emails. I suppose it's nice to inspire insanity in people.

My favourite stalker was Adam's Apple man. He had seen a photograph of me on the web and sent me a note to say that he'd noticed that I had a big Adam's Apple which really turned him on and did I have any more photographs of my Adam's Apple. It's been years since he wrote to me. I sort of miss the crazy old bastard.

Today I received the following email - fortunately he lives in Spain so I am safe (for now).

well hi sexy HANDSOME GUAPO LOVE YOU WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO SEE ME IN SPAIN FOUR A WEEKS HORNY HAPPY HOLIDAY .\\\\\\\\\\\\\

I love that extraneous random punctuation at the end. It's like he knew he had to do punctuation but couldn't decide where it went, so he just saved it all up for the finish. The capitalisation is also classic stalker behaviour - the first rule of stalking being USE CRAZY CAPS.

As usual, he had attached a photograph. He is about 55 and was not wearing any trousers. Should I write back and say

a) well, never, obviously

or

b) I HAVE JUST BOOKED A PLANE FLIGHT TO SPAIN AIRPORT! I AM COMING TO LIVE WITH YOU 4EVA!

My sister had the best ever stalker though. She received a badly written note pushed through her door. It said "I watch you walking your dog every day. You are beautiful lady. I wish to be your boyfriend. I sometimes see you with a man. HE isn't your boyfriend is he?"

I was so envious. Because there's only one thing worse than being stalked. And that's not being stalked. They moved house shortly after that.

7 comments:

Lost Boy said...

Eurgh. How do these people begin their fixation? Is it through your blog? I've had a stalker or two in my time but I had actually met them in person pre-stalking. How creepy.

jetpack said...

creepy! I don't how you can be so calm about it!

kleverkloggs said...

Aww!!! Lubin!!! Guess the fake moustache didn't work in Starbucks!!!!!!

I had a stalker turn up at Arrivals at the Gatwick, with video camera. Dumped the deeds to a lovenest in my trolley as I did my best not to acknowledge him or go into shock. Didn't impress my partner of the time either. Problem with stalkers is when you start to anticipate when they will turn up.

fin de fichier said...

There used to be a website out there about the topic, she called it being a "scaredy stalker." Very precious and camp. She even had a little kitty cat graphic!

I stalked about 12 years ago when I was in collège. A taciturn german boy who wore a black overcoat all of the time. Why he went to an american collège in the middle of nowhere is anybody's guess. Just a stage I went though. Thank goodness for wholesome britpop in the form of Heavenly Nobodies to get me over it. Anybody at T in the Park 1996 remember seeing a lost looking American boy? Moi. Lucky to see one of the last Lush performances.

KAZ said...

If you haven't already read 'Enduring Love'- I would advise against it.
I get hits from Spain via your link.
That's fine by me as I haven't got my own stalker.

Rob7534 said...

I wish you guys would stop boasting about all your stalkers!

Send a few my way damnit. I want one.

Adrian said...

Aw. I want a stalker.

I often toy with the idea of picking a random person from a crowd (someone hot, naturally), and just follow them around as they go about their day. I like to think this is is part of clever urban geography theory, but really I'm just nosey.