Monday, September 18, 2006

Jodie: Rehabilitated?

Regular readers will know about my fascination with Jodie Marsh. As celebrity blogs go, hers is something special - it's a no-holds barred verbal diatribe where nothing gets censored. At times it's like reading a rejected Alan Bennett monlogue. Despite the fact that everyone seems to hate Jodie (or perhaps because of that), I quite like her. I won't get into the whole post-feminist argument here, but she's made a name for herself by being famous for nothing but wearing next to nothing and surrounding herself with drama. Jodie represents everything anyone needs to know about modern Britain - she's a Becky Sharpe for the early 21st century. I love the sense of moral outrage that she invokes. When she was on Celebrity Big Brother earlier this year, she was the first person voted off, clashing with most of the other housemates - notably Pete Burns, George Galloway and Michael Barrymore (whom she rightfully described as "being screamed at by three ugly old men"). She cried, of course, during her post-eviction interview with Davina. And I was the only person in the country who felt sorry for her. Because I'm a softie. And you're all nasty cynics. It's just as well I'm not straight - I'm a sucker for women crying, fake or not.

Recently, I've been reading a parody blog, which rather cruelly yet hilariously, takes Jodie's real blogs and reads through the lines, putting a heartless spin on her life, while making fun of every hypocritical, self-centred, trashy thing she's ever written. She's an easy target, but as people are rarely consistent in their opinions - especially those who write from the heart and don't bother to go back and edit.

So it was with amusement that I noticed that Jodie WON a reality tv phone-in vote celebrity contest on Saturday. Granted, it was Channel 5. And granted, among her competitors were Peter Duncan, Andy Scott-Lee and Ron Atkinson. But she danced her way to glory. And for a whole 24 hours, she was the happiest girl alive.

But now she's gorged on the love of the public, it's all downhill. That's a kind of validation that can't last, and Jodie wants more, more, more. Just like little Neely O'Hara in Valley of the Dolls, Jodie needs "mass love". And Cold Turkey is a bitch: "it's just that I suppose I want to win the All Star Talent Show every day! Ha ha. I want to feel that good ALL the time." Note that little self-conscious "ha ha" at the end. It's one of Jodie's many verbal tics. She also writes "Comedy!" and "Carnage!" a lot after telling ancedotes about her life, sometimes they're used ironically or even in bitterness. But most of the time they're not.

Worst of all, Jodie's very publicly admitted on her blog, that she's got a massive crush on Ben, the dancer she was paired with for her big dance on All Star Talent Show. Ben's 19. And has a girlfriend. Now it's all gone a bit sour and Jodie's posted a big apology in her latest blog entry: "I am a total messed-up bitch." Where will it all end? I have no idea, but I suspect it will involve someone having their hair set on fire and being pushed down a staircase... I just wish Jodie would register herself immediately for a PhD in Women's Studies. It'd be like Legally Blonde, but even better.


Dicky Entrails said...

Some of Jodie's devoted anti fans add to the fun of reading her blog with:
"JODIE LOTTO". Simply pick 6 numbers. If the words linked to each number appear in the next blog then you win the following prizes :

Get 6 numbers = a 2 week all expenses paid holiday (on Jodie) to Barbados (hair holding duties may need to be carried out)
Get 5 numbers = weekend at Marsh Manors with trip to Suga Hut and use of quad bikes included
Get 4 numbers = Be part of jodies 'rent a crowd' at forthcoming event
Get 3 numbers = 2 cheeky vodkas and cheesy chips with kebab sauce
Get 2 numbers = drunken snog with local 16 yr old hanging round Spar
Get 1 number = 2 sequins threaded onto dental floss to wear as bra (part of Jodies couture collection)

So here are the numbers:

1. best day / week / year evah!
2. Mention of fantastic new secret project that she can’t reveal right now
3. Jealous Bastards
4. Injured Pet
5. Missing Pet
6. Dead Pet
7. Dead Friend
8. Vodka
9. Puke
10. Wet Dreams
11. Tiffany
12. Leaving the country
13. Soulmate (Kyle or A N Other)
14. Vile
15. Jordan (failedpubsingerwhohasviolencetendenciesandiscrosseyed)
16. Jordan (vileuglyplastictittedone)
17. Mention of a sex act that makes others cringe
18. SchoolTeacherLauren
19. Desperate for a shag
20. Sugar Hut
21. Bullied
22. Bullies
23. Charity work
24. FitBarman
25. Finger (this can include using own finger / being fingered / fish finger)
26. Best Mate (must not have mentioned before)
27. Brentwood
28. Carnage!
29. Pizza
30. Best Selling Author
31. Real
32. fake
33. Arsehole
34. Sex wee
35. Valentino Rossi
36. Paul Weller
37. Hooker / Whore
38. Rebekah Wade
39. I AM a famous model / celebrity
40. Autograph / picture
41. Just want to be loved / liked / respected
42. fight
43. Human Viagra
44. Freaks
45. Comedy!
46. The Nuts!
47. Cheeky
48. Big Brother (my week of HELL)
49. Carolina (The Cleaner)

Remember to post up your chosen numbers before the next blog! Enjoy

Lost Boy said...

Dicky, that's brilliant. I love Jodie's blog; it's a fascinating insight into what it's like to be a nano-celeb which all but renders 'OK' redundant.

Dicky Entrails said...

Sorry, that first post reads as if I'm claiming the Lotto as my own, when it's the work of one of the other contributors to the >Jodie Marsh thread on Digital Spy which spawned >Jodie Mush.
And Jodie mentions in her latest blog.

She seems to have come face to face with her alter ego

matty said...

I'm so sadly out of the loop on TV.

I mean, I still think French & Saunders are cutting edge.

But, I suspect I would love watching this girrrrl!