Saturday, August 19, 2006

The bitch is back

For those of you who like your bloggers intelligent, straight-acting and handsome, then you won't be at all interested that my alter ego, Jamie4U is back. In order to "prove" how deep, interesting and creative he is, Jamie has decided to share some of his "poetry" and an erotic story about him and Robbie Williams, which should have the contributors at shaking in their boots and pulling the sheets over their heads. Needless to say, in true Jamie fashion, it ends in tears. Jamie also reveals his failed porn career, having almost appeared in Chav Power Bottom 6 (he was upstaged at the eleventh hour) and has found a novel way of curing himself of an STD.

I never tire of writing Jamie4U. Promiscuous, spiteful, self-absorbed, moronic, uncultured and utterly bigoted, he's a horrible creation which lets me purge myself of all the hatred, disappointment and weariness I occasionally feel about the gay scene. Despite the fact that his outlook is incredibly grim, he always seems to be having more fun that anyone else. The fact that he will remain forever at the age of 18 has something to do with that. And as his spelling isn't all that hot, I don't need to worry about accuracy, or about censoring myself. The main joke about Jamie is how delusional he has - how in almost every posting the joke is on him. He's nowhere near as attractive or interesting as he thinks he is, but only has youth and a fast metabolism on his side - like so many of these lads, give him a few years and he'll be a wreck, his mediocre looks ruined from too many late nights, Big Macs, drugs and alcohol, passed over for a version of himself born 24 months after him and left only with a caustic, desperate jealousy, which will intensify as every year passes. That's why Jamie will never get old. There'll be nothing fun about Jamie once he hits 20 and his star fades permanently.

Almost every Jamie posting is based on some aspect of my own life or those of my friends. But it's like looking at my life through a cracked fun-house mirror. His friends: long-suffering Brian and his nerdy Star Trek Voyager obsession, foul-mouthed, boundary-breaking Miss Thang, Twix-guzzling faghag Debbie, eternal bridesmaid Keith and crazed alcoholic Barbara are all based on bits of people I know - though I'll never tell who's supposed to be who. As I said the other week "there's a little bit of Jamie in all of us", or as my friend Tom replied "Or there can be for £10". Indeed.


jetpack said...

well done for creating Jamie4U, but personally, I find it too depressing to read - because it could so easily NOT be ironic...! That caricature is just too true to life from my experience

matty said...

Wait. This is all a trick. Jamie4U is real and you're all made up. Right?

See! I am so smart! I suspected all along!

Brilliant idea, by the way!

Big thumbs up and a hug from GayTown USA --- where all that glitters are the drag queens at TrannyShack.

Tom SF said...

Ooh, a name drop. I feel like I've arrived!