Thursday, July 06, 2006

The future of Big Brother

After last night's lovely mental torture of Aislyne, this is what I see in store for the next 7 series of Big Brother. Bring on the entertainment!

series 8 - contestants include 3 porn stars, 9 promo girls, 6 gay men (4 of which are porn stars), 1 person with Downs Syndrome and 2 morbidly obese people. A challenge involves the contestants forcibly having to shave each other's heads. One of the contestants, Tonya, is severely booed on her eviction and suffers facial scarring after someone in the audience throws a broken bottle at her face. The Downs Syndrome person wins

series 9 - 7 of the contestants are porn stars, 7 are gay, 4 are bisexual, 5 are bulimic. All of the women have had breast implants. Within 24 hours half of the contestants have had sex with each other. All nominations are made public. The food budget is miniscule. During a fight, a contestant is brutally beaten and several people have to be forcibly removed. A mentally unstable contestant who was booed later commits suicide. People on internet forums write "good riddance!"

series 10 - having moved to Channel 5, we now have BB Tar and Feather! all of the contestants are 16 year old porn stars. Within 2 weeks they have all contracted syphillis from each other. One contestant has an abortion, live onscreen. Tasks involve the ingestion of mind-altering drugs. Evictees are now tarred and feathered upon leaving the house. During a heated fight, a contestant slashes another contestant's neck with a kitchen knife severing an artery. The contestant dies. Viewing figures are the highest yet. The winner is a porn star called Favio.

series 11 - BB Crazy! the new contestant line-up features several convicted rapists, 8 year old girls, right-wing extremists and people who have spent time in mental institutions. One contestant commits suicide live onscreen by electrocuting herself, rather than face the mob outside. A pregnant women suffers a miscarriage when she is evicted, due to the crowd hostilty. People on internet forums write "the bitch deserved it". Several contestants are sexually abused during their time in the house. The winner is a paedophile called Joe.

series 12 - BB Capital Punishment! after a new government brings back the death sentence, Davina excitedly announces that this year evicted housemates will be executed, live on television. The contestants are all child-killers, terrorists, and serial killers who are serving life sentences. They have traded their prison sentence for execution and the chance of freedom. The winner is a multiple racist-killer who goes on to have his own tv chat show called "Crime Pays".

series 13 - BB is still using the "execution" rules, but instead of convicted killers, it's back to the usual run of promo girls, porn stars, outrageous queens and models. Ratings are at an all-time high. There are several murders among the eviction crowd every Friday. People on internet forums write "The show is getting boring now."

series 14 - BB Deathmatch! The contestants are simply locked in the house and told "last one alive wins".

4 comments:

Lost Boy said...

I think you're onto something here. Act now before somebody else does: Steve Gowans is the controller of factual entertainment at Five. steve.gowans@five.tv

In all seriousness, though, I've spent a lot of time wide-eyed in horror throughout this series. The off button's looking a growingly attractive prospect.

Olaf said...

There was a great movie along the lines of this: Series 7: The Contenders. It was a state sponsored reality show (which I guess Big Brother is in the UK) where people were chosen by their social security numbers and then had to hunt and kill each other. It's not bad...

Nixon said...

Torture is a apt description. Big Brother has jumped the shark and I haven't watched it since.

Tom SF said...

Have you watched Battle Royale? This is how BB14 ought to be.