Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Our special day

(not a picture of me)

Regular readers may know that my recent civil partnership ceremony involved me giggling through the whole thing and ended in me scraping someone else's used confetti off the ground and throwing it over myself, followed by going out for a bag of chips. Let's just say, I'm not the sort of boy who "stands on ceremony" (I prefer to do a silly dance all over it). But as Glitter for Brains who is about to take the plunge, points out, suddenly, in a matter of days, a whole Gay Wedding Industry has sprung up out of nowhere. I'd noticed with intrigue that the media have decided to immediately abandon the term "civil partnership" in preference to wedding (even though they're not weddings really). And it suddenly struck me - that's what weddings are about these days - gay or straight - they're about getting people to spend loads of money. A wedding is the most pure expression of western capitalism that there is! The untapped commerical potential for gay weddings is ENORMOUS - think about it. All those stereotypical "fabulous" queens (who in the past have always been the bridesmaid never the bride) can now do conspicious consumption a million times better than some dumpy straight lass from Accrington. It's going to be huge, it's going to be pink, and it's going to be shiny. Or is that something that everyone's new favourite homophobe Lowri Turner would say? I was intrigued and decided to do a little research.

At Modern Commitments, they'll do everything for you, and there's the real life story of Jamie and Rogan who got married in Swallow Coulsdon Manor Hotel in Surrey. They had all their guests transported there in a 1948 double decker bus and there wasn't a dry eye (or full wallet) in the house. This is my favourite picture.

Fairy lights and a surprised looking bald man amid a Rainbow Flag backdrop. Faaaaaabulous darling! All that's missing is the feather boa and the sequinned jock strap.

Not gay enough for you? Get yourself over to Pink Wedding Days and revel in the, well, pinkness, of it all. Who decided incidentally that pink gets to be the gay colour? It's like the tackiest colour there is. What's wrong with a nice robin's egg blue or a tasteful off-white? Anyway, you can organise a "spartan stag night" and there's a picture on the site of a woman getting a massage with all these hot stones and stuff. No, I don't get it either. Fortunately, the even more gay-sounding Decadence Weddings has breathlessly announced that it'll be doing gay weddings too from now on. But will they redecorate the orgy room?

Want more pink in your wedding? How about Committed 2 Pink who write "Where to start! With such busy lives and so much information that perfect day can seem like a nightmare instead of a dream gay wedding." Oh I know. It was just like that for my gay wedding. The fights we had about for weeks beforehand about whether we should get chips or pizza. We nearly didn't go through with it.

And what about the thankyou letters you want to send out after the event? Well don't worry. You can now do it on special gay wedding stationery". "Dear Tom and Tom, thanks so much for inviting me to your gay wedding. I had a great time in the inflatable sauna you had put up in the garden afterwards. It was such a good idea to provide an STD testing booth. I found out I had syphillis and had probably infected 30 or so of the other guests. Who knew?"

I'm much more cynical, so I think I may set up my own business offering to run expensive back-on-the-razz parties for newly separated gay couples. I wonder who is going to be the first gay couple to get divorced? Oh the odd mix of pride and shame they'll feel. Happy Valentines Day kids.


matty said...

LOL! You're my kinda guy!

ed frame said...

I love the fact that at Modern Commitments you can order a plate with your 'wedding' picture on it. Now that is classy! At Pink Connections (when I hear that all I can think of is some gay guy screaming 'I want a pink connection') it suggests you put a pink collar on your pussycat. I think I've just been sick in my mouth.

Mr Kenneth said...

Just to be clear, it's Glitter For Brains's stand-in writer who's getting CP'd not Lee himself - Although Lee claims to have a "wife" all along.