Friday, February 03, 2006

Never Trust a Man with a Moustache

Lost in London had written about Jodie Marsh's blog. I had to see it for myself and I was awful glad I did! Jodie was the first person kicked out of the celebrity Big Brother house last month. She is a glamour model who is more notorious than famous - she wore a pair of army belts across her breasts a couple of years ago and has been a tabloid face ever since. She is also known for an ongoing feud with another glamour model, Jordan. To be honest, none of this had really registered with me until lately.

I love it when "famous" people get blogs, particularly when they write their own entries and it isn't done by a starry-eyed fan. (Wouldn't it be great if we could send the internet back in time and get the likes of Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, Mae West and Judy Garland to have their own blogs.) But anyway, back to Jodie. You have to enter your email address and password to access the good stuff at Jodie's blog, but I'd recommend you do it. This is Internet Gold! I spent a good hour reading and rereading her blog entries, with a growing sense of awe and amazement. The blog explains exactly why Jodie is famous. It's like the script-writers of Footballers Wives have just been ripping off her life. I love it and wish Jodie was my best friend.

While Jody is clearly a true star, she is a normal (Essex) girl at heart and her blog goes into a lot of detail about the ordinariness of everyday life. For example: 'Its 8pm and we have just polished off a box of 12 Krispy Kreme doughnuts between 5 of us.' and my favourite 'we went to B&Q and bought yet more paint for the downstairs (the masking tape we put round the walls for painting the windows ripped all the paint off the walls when we took it off - nice!).' I've had that same experience too!!! Me and Jodie, we are like - on a par or something!

There's also a lot of heart-pouring. The day before she went into the Big Brother House, Jodie wrote an inspired, longer-than-usual piece, explaining herself with this heart-breakingly frank assessment of her looks 'Yes, I have cellulite. Yes, my boobs droop a bit as they are not made from silicone. Yes, my nose is wonky and slightly on the large side. Yes I use sun-beds, which I know are not good for you, but I feel better with a tan. Yes my teeth are veneers but a TV show offered to pay the twenty grand it cost to get them done and I love them. Yes, my lips are really thin but I have a phobia of needles, otherwise I'd get them done too. Yes my voice is annoyingly deep but I can't help that. Yes, my hair is helped along with extensions and yes they fall out everywhere and annoy people but I love the way they look and hate my own thin hair. Yes, I get spots like everyone else and yes, I have love-handles. I am not stunningly beautiful.' There's so much going on there that I don't even know where to begin. She's ashamed of the body parts that she hasn't subjected to plastic surgery or some other fake procedure, but then she's also disapproving of the plastic surgery itself and has to justify why she's had certain things "done" and not others.

But the best bits of all, and what most people are probably reading Jodie for, are her on-going feuds with about a dozen other celebrities. The Big Brother experience has provided a wealth of hatred: Bullymore is vile and deranged in my opinion. Pete is the ugliest thing inside and out I've ever met, George is a dictating, un-intelligent little man (my dad always said "Never trust a man with a moustache"). Rula is a two-faced bitter old woman. Dennis sees all women as sexual objects and doesn't have much of a personality. Traci is a bit thick with no morals or opinions of her own, who would happily jump into bed with another man, despite being about to be married. Maggot is exactly that - a maggot, without brain, kindness or moral. She only liked Chantelle (and is a bit lukewarm about Preston). She reserves particular bile for Pete Burns "I'm still waking up in the middle of the night to visions of Pete's giant rubbery head looming over me" and she 'still cannot sleep at night for thoughts of being raped and beaten by three ugly old men (which is what it felt like).' You can say what you like about her, but Jodie does have a way with words.

Another of Jodie's long-standing wars is with Rebekah Wade, editor of Britain's best-selling newspaper The Sun. According to Jodie, Rebekah hates her and has refused to print anything nice about her. Jodie eloquently writes 'this is a paper that a few days ago called me a "grotty glamour girl". The editor of said rag is a feminist ginger bitch, ugly as sin, who alledgedly beats up her own bloke. Who the hell are they to call ME "grotty". Her 3rd November entry is possibly her best ever, where she gloats over the fact that Rebekah Wade was arrested for allegedly beating up her hunky husband Ross Kemp. ' I'm glad you've been caught Rebekah cos you're a cow. I've done nothing to deserve the abuse and lack of help I get from your paper. And if you really did hit the gorgeous Ross then you don't deserve him anyway.' Jodie also kindly offers her help to Ross: 'As for you Ross, if you have experienced Domestic violence on any level whatsoever, you can always call me, or Refuge for advice.' You know what, I wish he had taken her up on that offer.

There is so much more of this site to explore that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface yet. Thank you God for Jodie Marsh. I guess, in the unlikely event that I ever got to be her best friend, I would advise her to accept that if she wants to be a celebrity, she needs to take the vile tabloid abuse with good grace - because that's how it works. Nobody gets to be famous any more for being liked. And to stop the fueding, because it puts her in an even worse light. However, it's her ongoing battles that make her so fascinating. Who would care a toss if she got on with Jordan? Maybe it's all a scam and they're really good friends and the feud is simply there to keep them both in the public eye. Actually, I hope so. Because it would imply she's much more in control of her destiny. And I hate to think of girls with really large breasts fighting.


Lost Boy said...

Ha ha. It's a compelling read, isn't it? It's like a Jackie Collins novel reinterpreted by a group of six-year-old girls. In crayon. I tried to like her- I found her willingness to write even about the mundane quite charming and her lack of media training entertaining- but she just seems to be a little girl so full of hate. I wish she'd stop trying to prove how great she is and just be herself. I think she'd feel better if she did (but her blog would be mroe boring, obviously).

Lubin said...

Thanks for introducing me to her, Lost Boy. I know she's full of hate and I agree with everyone you wrote about her - but she's so compelling!

Nixon said...

Thank you Lost Boy & Lubin! My favourite bit:

"Seriously though, one thing that always frays my last shaking nerve is the fact that Halle Berry and the like are hailed as beautiful, talented, oscar winning actresses when I get called a slapper or trashy for wearing skimpy outfits.

I'd like to point out that I actually only did Page 3 about 4 times.."

I think I might have to buy her autobiography...

matty said...

WOW! This is fun stuff!!!!

...and you've really got me to thinking. What if Joan or Bette were around to blog!?!?! Wow! Just imagine!

Hey! Check out what my pal in Texas sent me! You will love it!!!

happy weekend --- hope your Friday is going better than your Thursday did!!!

matty said...

I've this desire to take on the persona of Joan and draft up a blog!!! I am, however, trying to repress it.