Friday, February 10, 2006

It's on

Poor Ken. He hasn't had much luck lately. Dumped by Barbie and passed over for cooler toys like the obscene Bratz dolls. He doesn't even have gay icon status since the equally obscene Tom of Finland and Billy dolls came along and knocked him off the Clone Zone shelf and into the bin. But really, who could blame Barbie, the teenage girls and the gay men? After all, Ken was a bit of a minger.



But maybe all that's set to change. Ken's had an extreme makeover. Yes, the bitch is back, and as they say, it's almost as if she's never been away. Look! Look! Look! Gone is the plastic-moulded snot-coloured hair, with the uncool side parting, and in is a "real-look" thick bouffant, which can be styled with actual product. Ken's even developed a pair of cut-glass cheekbones and a 'tude that wouldn't be out of place on a cat-walk. And he's lost that innocent, goofy, doofus look.



Barbie - shallow little slut that she is, has taken one look at the new Ken and all is forgiven. Needless to say, the pair are due to "officially" announce the rekindling of their romance again on Valetine's Day. But I've heard that the filthy little madam has already been seen emerging from an old shoebox plucking (pubic) hairs out of her mouth. As for the Billy dolls - Barbie may find she's got competition - Ken is Fresh Meat, so Pretty-Boy'd better watch out they don't trap him in some dark corner of the toy box so's he can ride the Welcome Wagon (that's prison slang).

7 comments:

matty said...

I would so totally do Ken. ...even the older proto Kens. They can keep the GI Joes and BRATZ. Give me ken!
(cue in Kate Bush comic strip song now)

Trashbinder said...

Ken is such a latent homo. The new one looks like a boyband reject.

Does anyone remember the Pippa doll? My sister never forgave me for backcombing her hair until she looked like she had a white afro.

I think Pippa was actually the poor-girl's Sindy slash Barbie. She even had a quilted dressing gown, whereas I am sure that Barbie had a babydoll neglige.

matty said...

You know, I don't think we had Pippa dolls in the states. However, we did have a horrific doll which was known as Dolikin. That might have been spelled with two 'L's but she had bright red, long, straight hair and came in a spiffy little orange pant suit and odd red clogs. Now, the interesting thing about dolikin was that every joint moved. So, one could pose her in all manner of postions.

I so wanted a Dolikin.

A girl down the street used to let me play with hers. One day I undressed Dolikin to look at the her body as it really was amazing how one could bend, move and pose her.

...Oh my God! It was like looking at Frankenhooker! It looked as if all of her appendages had been collected from various dolls and stitched together. The girl told me that her Dolikin came alive and night so she worshiped it. She was a few years older than me and I believed her.

Dolikin was a HUGE flop. But, I remember and miss her very much.

I was also partial to Midge. ...Barbie's ugly best friend. I think she had an affair with Ken. It all got very messy.

Lubin said...

Thanks for sharing. I don't think my parents liked Barbie very much (there was a common girl in the street who had one, and I think the family consensus was that Barbie was slutty and freakish-looking), so my sister had a couple of dowdy Sindys instead. She also had a huge Sindy dollhouse that was taller than her, which she never played with.

Lost Boy said...

Poor Sindy. She had a big fat face and huge eyes like a Valiumed-up birthing cow. And Paul. Whatever happened to Paul?

Reluctant Nomad said...

Poor Barbie: http://reluctantnomad.blogspot.com/2005/12/mutilating-barbie.html

ed frame said...

My mum's new favourite way of embarrassing me is to tell everyone how I played with Barbie as a child. Sorry Lubin to use your blog to make a statement, but can I just say that I never liked playing with Barbie, but it was her swimming pool that fascinated me. She really was a very lucky girl.