Thursday, February 02, 2006

A bad day (or 101 things I hate)

I wake up early (1) because I forgot to turn my mobile phone off the night before and now it is beeping every few seconds to tell me it has a low battery. Opening the curtains, the bad weather (2) makes it look like midnight. I stagger to the bathroom and a look in the mirror tells me that my hair is sticking up all over the place (3) because I slept on my side, and I've developed an unpleasant zit on my chin (4). So much for oily skin. I also realise that I've got an agonising mouth ulcer (5) in the night, which will taunt me for the next ten days. Oh well.

In the kitchen, the only cereal that's left is cardboard-flavoured Special K (6) which won't fill me up. The milk has gone sour (7), reflecting my growing mood. My thoughtful cat has also taken special care to do a huge sloppy shit in his litter tray (8) and now the whole thing will have to be cleaned out. I decide to go out for breakfast and deal with it all later. I approach a zebra crossing and some idiot driving a car with personalised number plates (9) who's going over the speed limit whizzes past, making me jump back on the pavement (10). And it's raining (11). Once I get to the coffee shop there is an enormous queue (12) in front of me. There are several women all buying hot chocolates with extra whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles (13), as well as numerous men in suits getting stupid, frothy cappachinos (14), which all means there go a few more wasted minutes of my life that I'll never get back. As if on cue, everyone in the coffee shop gets out their mobile phone and starts to talk on it (15). I finally get my drink, which is expensive and vile (16) and have to sit on an uncomfortable chair in a corner because all the nice sofas are taken up (17), sulking. A woman nearby suddenly starts to cough everywhere, without bothering to cover her mouth (18), so I can probably add Asian Bird Flu (19) to my growing list of ailments. Soon I can barely stand the boring conversations (20) around me, so I get up to leave, stopping off at the loo (except it's out of order (21)), so I just have to go home.

I sense it's going to be a bad day so I decide to stay in and watch tv. Except my over-sensitive Tivo has screwed up and taped 6 hours of sport (22) instead of the fun stuff I wanted to watch. The phone rings and it's someone trying to sell me the Sports Channel (23), which is ironic. I also gave myself an electric shock (24) via my over-plush carpet, in getting up to answer the phone. I sink back down and flick through the tv channels, noting with horror a five hour documentary on Dennis Rodman (25), while other channels are showing the Crazy Frog (26), rap music (27), R&B, (28) Pokemon (29), and endless adverts (30). Suddenly there is a power surge and all the light bulbs go out (31) which means they'll all need replacing and I will have to go out again. As it is still raining I get in my car and instantly join a hateful grid-locked queue (32) where I will wait in the same spot for the next 45 minutes. What a moment to need the loo (33). The cheesy local radio presenter (34) drives me insane, particularly when he does a phone-in (35) with housebound imbeciles who are all either racist (36) and/or clinically depressed. Finally I get to a supermarket and spend another 20 minutes finding a parking space, witnessing several instances of "car rage" (37) as people squabble because there aren't enough spaces. In the supermarket a greeter says "Hi, how are you!" (38) as I enter. I scowl and try to ignore her, but basic politeness kicks in and I have to respond. Of course, the supermarket is out of the lightbulbs I need (39) so the whole journey was for nothing. On the way out a beggar insults me because I won't give him money (40) and some teenagers wearing burberry baseball caps (41) make fun of the way I walk (42). I decide that since I am in town, I may as well get some lunch, so enter a depressing, overheated indoor shopping centre (43) which is full of my least favourite shops (River Island (44), KwicSave (45), Game (46), Greggs (47) and McDonalds (48)). Some poor sod is dressed up as Ronald Fucking McDonald (49) for some naff promotion and I hurry away without looking back. The crowds (50) are in force and I get swept along with the flow. In order to block out the noise I reach for my Ipod, but the battery has run down (51). All the food places are full and besides, they look disgusting so I grab a bag of chips which I eat outside, burning my mouth (52) and also biting my lip (53) in the process. Now my fingers and face will smell of vinegar and chip fat (54) until I can find somewhere to wash it off. Suddenly, an old woman in a mobility cart (55) runs over my feet - bitch! She doesn't even apologise.

I go into HMV to buy a DVD to watch later that evening, but the whole place is over-run with school-children (56) who smell of piss (57) and are intent on shop-lifting (58). I realise that several DVDs I bought last week and have not yet watched, have now been reduced in price from £20 to £5 (59). Also, the DVD I want is sold out so I settle for something I'm not that bothered about. After another interminable queue, the bored shop assistant tells me that my card has been declined (60) and then takes it off into a back room for 5 full minutes, where I'm sure he's copying down all the information in order to use it illegally later (61). Eventually he comes back and I can pay for my stupid DVD that I don't even want. On the way out, I set off the store alarm (62) and everyone looks at me, pleased (63) like I'm a shop-lifter and they're glad I got caught. I decide to make a joke out of it and say "Yeah, ya got me", but the security guard doesn't react at all (64). Once outside, I realise both of my shoelaces are undone (65) and I will have to stop and bend over and fasten them in front of everyone (66).

When I get home again, I check my email and have 2000 spam emails (67). Someone has sent me one of those naff e-cards (68) which I refuse to look at, and my computer is showing signs of a virus (69) as windows advertising viagara and lesbian porn keep popping up, unasked for (70). Another of my friends has sent me one of those circular emails containing a dull joke (71), which she's also sent to about 100 other people, and they've all replied to her, including everyone else in the correspondence (72). Do I look like I care about the opinions of people who find these sorts of things funny? For some reason, my internet connection is going painfully slowly (73) and I almost chew my hand off in frustration and impatience. I decide to check the mail, and sort through a big pile of unwanted advertising (74) before I get to a few bills (75). At least the newspaper has been delivered, although it is a depressing mess, with the main stories about child murder (76), greenhouse gases (77), George Bush (78) and homophobia in the Catholic Church (79). It also looks as if Jim Broadbent (80) has another film out. I try to do the crossword and can only do about a quarter of it (81) which makes me feel dull-witted. And the pen has leaked ink all over my hand when I wasn't looking (82).

It is time to eat again, so I go in the kitchen and realise that the only thing I have in is chips, which means I'll have to eat the same meal all over again (83). I am a hopeless cook and end up burning the chips in the oven (84) so they go black, but I decide to eat them anyway. The bread is a week old and covered in blue fungus (85) so I am too scared to eat it incase it makes me ill. The doorbell rings so I go to answer it, only to discover it is a particularly pushy and insistent pair of Jehovas Witnesses who will not let me alone (86). After ten minutes of trying to get rid of them, they give up and go away. Once they've gone I immediately think of about twenty witty things I could have said to them (87). And back in the living room, my dinner has gone cold (88) and the cat is sitting in the middle of the plate, with a big shit-eating grin on his face (89). The only other things in the fridge are coleslaw (90), gherkins (91), mustard (92) and hot cross buns (93). So it looks like I'll be going to bed hungry (94).

I decide to put an end to this awful day and go to bed early (95). However, the events of the day keep playing in my head and I can't sleep (96). The clock says 3 am and I am still awake (97). Just as I'm falling asleep, a crowd of drunk students (98) walks past the house singing the current Number 1 Chart hit (99) tunelessly, before descending into gak-gak-gak laughter (100). Then I hear a scratching noise outside and become convinced it is someone trying to break in (101). Will this fucking day ever end?

2 comments:

Lost Boy said...

God, Lubin, I was suicidal by the time I got halfway through that lot. May that bad day never actually materialise.

matty said...

Gee, and I thought I had a bad day! I've a sore throat and no job --- but mine was a breeze compared to yours! Poor baby! Sending many positive vibes your way! Am curious -- what was the DVD you did not want but purchased at high risk of future identity theft?