My Perfect Day or 101 things I love (with apologies to John Waters who wrote something similar).
I wake up naturally at 10.15 am (1) without the help of an alarm clock or the bad music taste of the people who live next door and open my new curtains (2) to discover it is a rare sunny and clear day (3) for England. I eat sugary Crunchy Nut Cornflakes (4)for breakfast along with coffee that I do not wait for 5 minutes to cool down and amazingly do not get a mouth ulcer (5). I notice that in the night Bt Torrent has finished downloading (6) the lastest episodes of Lost (7), Desperate Housewives (8) and Survivor (9) so I have plenty of illicit up-to-the-minute American tv to keep me on the go. I decide to walk into Clifton Village (10) and visit the tiny hardware store (11) that sells everything for all your hardware needs and buy a copy of The Times (12) from WH Smiths. When I get back, the post has arrived, neatly arranged into little piles by my ultra-conscientious neighbours (13) and I have received several items from ebay (14), including a Clint Eastwood (15) DVD. I telephone my sister (16) and have an hour long chat with her about nothing important, then she puts my 2 year old nephew (17) on the phone and I shout "hello, hello, say something!" at him, as he listens, silently smiling. All the time my ginger tom cat Larry (18) climbs over me, jealously trying to wrestle my attention away from the phone.
I go over to the piano (19) and for the first time ever manage to play The Look of Love (20) by Bert Bacharach (21) without any mistakes at all. For an encore, I go on to massacre Spooky (22) and Money Money Money (23). Fortunately the neighbours in the basement below have never complained. I then eat a chicken salad (24) sandwich for lunch and decide to head out to my swanky gym (25) for some exercising and then a go in the menthyl-scented steam-room that always empties my sinuses in a most spectacular fashion (26). On the way back I stop off to get new hair product (27), an Innocent smoothie (28) and the latest Habitat catalogue (29). I listen to my new favourite songs on my well-worn Ipod (30), Bohemian Like You by the Dandy Warhols (31), Tears by Chris Isaak (32) and The Joker by Anthony Newley (33). My Tivo (34) has taped three episodes of Coronation Street (35) and they all involve storylines involving Violet (36), Jason (37), Eileen (38) and Sean (39), with lots of cat-fights (40) and good one-liners (41) that have me laughing out loud. According to the news, another Hollywood Star has come out as gay (42) and there is a wonderful picture of some celebrity with horribly obvious plastic surgery (43) for me to grimace over. She is not as scary-looking as Jocelyn Wildenstein (44) but getting close. There is also a story about middle-class pensioners getting up a petition over something (45) on the local news, and the local news presenter inadvertantly makes a sexist and/or racist comment which will probably mean he will have to resign tomorrow (46). Flicking around the channels I see Madonna pulling off Megan Mullally's wig (47) on Will & Grace, an early French and Saunders sketch (48) and a repeat of the Keith Allen documentary about James/Lauren Harries (49).
I go on the internet and have emails from everyone in my "Double-Wrapped for Extra Freshness" (50) blog list. I watch the Joan Crawford (51) and Grey Gardens (52) mixes at Dan-o-rama productions (53). I email my Dad (54) my latest chess move (55) and I then do some hoovering (56) of my practically white carpet (57) and notice that there is a dark spot on it. Never mind, it can be removed instantly with spray on Vanish (58). I load the dish-washer (59) and get a drink of water (60) from my enormous silver fridge (61). To top off this small burst of excersion I do a yoga (62) position that I have recently learnt, without managing to fall over or break anything. It is getting late so I go out to my favourite Mexican restaurant (63) and have nachos (64), diet coke (65) and burritos (66) with lots of guacamole (67) and sour cream (68). On the way home I notice two women having a street fight (69) and I call in to Somerfield (70) for Chunky Monkey Ben and Jerry's ice-cream (71) and a packet of Minstrels (72). In the queue in front of me are two Clifton housewives (73), wearing leopard print scarves, with Honor Blackman (74) hair-dos. Even though it is getting late, it is June 21st, the longest day of the year (75) and it will not get dark until about 10:30. I decide to celebrate by watching one of the Sean Connery (76) Bond films (77) on my big-screen projector (78). I spend a good two hours immersed in mid-1960s fashion (79) and love the silliness of the plot (80). I have a huge margherita (81) from a ridiculous cocktail glass (82), with a salted rim (83), which I down with a couple of olives (84). After the movie, I turn the lights down low and put on some easy listening music (85), probably Lalo Schiffrin (86) or Hugo Montenegro (87) and have a little dance (88) pretending I am Julie Christie (89) in the film Darling (90). It is time to get ready for bed (91), I love sleep (92), so I clean my teeth and admire my hair (93), which always seems to be at its best in the evening. Getting into my huge Super-King Size bed (94), I have a read of one of the EF Benson Mapp and Lucia novels (95), while my fella (96) watches some Jason King (97) on the tv in the bedroom. We then put on Radio 4 (98) and listen to the bizarre but oddly comforting shipping forecast (99). We have a go at the Times Crossword (100) and then I fall asleep, quickly and without any difficultly (101).
Whew - didn't think I was going to make it then. I now invite you to tell me your 101 favourite things.