Never been to Paradise, Never been to Me
It looks like super-chav Shampayne has been reicarnated as a repressed, middle-class housewife from Quorn in Leicestershire. Elaine, from "A Sorry Existence" is slowly going insane due to sexual frustration and boredom. She's not real but I wish she was. There's a very prim, snobbish WI aspect to her - she worries that newcomers to her village will make judgements based on people's curtains, sneers at Poundstretcher and prints up recipes diligently. When her PC isn't in use she places a tea-towel over it. But during darker moments she surfs the internet looking at harcore porn sites. However, this is all filtered through a slightly disapproving commentary "You should have seen her website, she was doing all sorts of things to herself - and quite how she hasn't ripped her uterus away with those talons on the end of her fingers I will never know." Will she have some sort of dramatic epiphany, or will she slowly spiral into madness? Maybe she should get herself a few copies of Handbag! magazine that I used to write, intended for women exactly like her.