Monday, May 31, 2004

Big Brother 5 is definitely more extreme this year. The walls of the house are covered in dildoes and coloured geometric shapes, making it look like a reject set from Barabarella. The contestants have a harsher regime - a loud bell rings until they all get out of bed every morning, they have to share beds and the toileting facilities offer little privacy. And the characters themselves are spikier. There are at least 6 characters who offer non-normative sexual/gender identities - one lesbian, two bisexual women, two gay men and one male-to-female transsexual. Characters seem to be chosen on the grounds that they will hate each other. Contestant number 1, Marco is a gay man who hates asylum seekers. Contestant number 2, Ahmed, is an asylum seeker who hates gay men and so on.

However, the most controversial character is Kitten - a writhing mass of -isms and chips on her shoulder. She's a radical feminist lesbian vegetarian, anti-globalisation anti-porn activist and that's for starters. As she made her way through the cheering crowds, it was clear she was looking for her girlfriend who was nowhere in sight. Kitten belligerently gave the V sign to everybody and then said she wasn't going in the house. The cheers turned to boos. Kitten looked murderous. Finally the girlfriend was produced and Kitten leapt over a barrier to snog her. With more V signs, she stormed into the house and then greeted everyone warmly, as if nothing had happened. Watching all of this made me frightened, especially for the thicko naked muscle man who had entered the house a few minutes earlier. Within the hour the other housemates were talking about hiding sharp objects. Kitten for Queen!

Monday, May 24, 2004

Well, he has an interesting face and body but it turns me right off because he can't talk intelligently about art. Who could love someone like that? You could and I could that's who.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

So the poor old Statue of Liberty gets covered in water and ice in the latest controversial box office blockbuster The Day After Tomorrow. Having the Statue of Liberty "suffer" in some way (as an emblem of the end of American society) is a recurrent theme - it was the discovery of her torch buried in sand at the end of Planet of the Apes that set Charlton Heston off on one of his moralising rants. However, I'm starting to get the idea that film writers are running out of ideas about how to Make Liberty Pay. Here are a few of my own, which would all provide wonderful endings to any film about the State of America:

1) She is the "lucky" recipient of an extreme makeover. Botox, a facelift, chest implants, spray tan ("grey is over") and a whole new wardrobe ("those robes are so 2003 - let's get you into a thong) and finally subjected to a full makeover by Carson Kressley - she ends up looking like Pamela Anderson - what a fitting statement.

2) She suffers the humiliation of being voted first off the island in Survivor. "I'm voting for the Statue of Liberty. She doesn't do any work at all round the camp - she's really cold and difficult to get to know."

3) She is forced to date in succession all of the huge Presidential granite heads of Mount Rushmore in one of MTV's many dating shows. "Well, I liked Andrew Jackson but he spilt ketchup all over me in McDonalds so we're over".

4) She appears as a guest-star in Oz and is pack-raped by a group of skin-head neo-Nazis.

5) She is excluded by a powerful Alpha-clique in a high school movie because she wore a blue hair scrunchie on Tuesdays "We only wear yellow scrunchies on Tuesdays" and the other girls circulate a petition among the boys getting them to agree that The Statue of Liberty is a Megawhore and they won't date her any more.

Monday, May 17, 2004

From Popdizzy (Nixon's) new blog

Introverted (I) 55.56% Extroverted (E) 44.44%
Realistic (S) 59.46% Imaginative (N) 40.54%
Intellectual (T) 54.05% Emotional (F) 45.95%
Organized (J) 62.5% Easygoing (P) 37.5%
Your type is: ISTJ
You are a Trustee, possible professions include - management,accounting, auditing, efficiency expert, engineer, geologist, bank examiners, organization development, electricians, dentists, pharmacist, school principals, school bus drivers, file clerk, stock broker, legal secretary, computer operator, computer programmer, technical writer, chief information officer, police officer, real estate agent.
Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by

School bus driver?

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Tanya Turner represents everything that is good and bad about our Brave New Britain - with a personality as superficial as icing sugar, she's a blonde, taloned harpie - motivated by greed, sex and revenge. Her Brummie accent is barely disguised as she plays top bitch in the soap Footballers Wives. When things go right Tanya sinks her claws into the arse of her latest top tottie while sniffing up a line of coke into her rather interestingly-shaped nose in some mirrored bathroom. When things go wrong she screams into a mirror, shakes uncontrollably and makes her eyes do a weird left-right-left-right thing. However, the writers of Footballers Wives have realised that her star potential is becoming huger than the soap itself. Tanya is simply too good to remain in one soap and so for three nights this week she is being transferred to Bad Girls - a prison drama by the same writers - so that she can be shown to equisitively suffer and pay for her crimes. It's going to be huge and more trash than I can take.

Some things I love about Footballers Wives and Bad Girls:

1) The writers aren't allowed to use the word fuck so they have instead invented new swear words that nobody else uses. My favourite is "shitting" as in "Shitting hell!"

2) The fact that it is always sunny in Footballers Wives - just like Britain isn't.

3) That homophobia and racism are routinely exploited and are easy ways to spot the difference between true villains and everyone else. The new sassy governess of Bad Girls tells Sylvia, the casually racist old lump of a prison warder "You're a bigoted old cow and I'm going to send you on a course!" In Footballers Wives the Death-Mask Bitch Hazel makes it her mission to emasculate all the Old White Men on the board as well as making life hell for the homophobic coach.

4) That men's bottoms are gratuitously shown as much as possible.

5) That Alma from Coronation Street is now the heroin addict room-mate of Stephanie Beechman (not a comedown for either of them) and gets to use phrases like "piss test" all the time.

6) That despite everything, Footballers Wives and Bad Girls are probably the most moralistic, moralising, judgemental programmes on television - a point that the Archbishop of Canterbury didn't realise when he decided to criticise FW for being a corrupting force.

7) That these programmes unite both working-class and middle-class audiences.

8) That Footballers Wives has absolutely nothing to do with football at all.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Battle Royale (shown on Channel 4 on Monday night) - what a weird film. The premise is somewhere bewteen Survivor the gameshow and Salo: 120 Days of Sodom. In Japan, society is on the verge of collapse and children are out of control, so the government pass the Battle Royale Act whereby every year a class of children is punished by being kidnapped, dropped on an uninhabited island, given a few random weapons and then left for three days to kill each other. The last one standing wins. Otherwise they all die. They've all been fitted with electronic collars which monitor their heartbeats, broadcast their voices and will explode if they try to tamper with them. The film mixes pop culture (the scared shitless pupils are told the rules of the game via a videotape featuring a giggling, girly, tiny tv presenter) with high culture - classical music plays throughout, particularly over the most graphically violent scenes. As each pupil meets their fate a score chart ticks them off.

As the game progresses, old friendships, secret crushes and past grudges resurface in a way which often has fatal consequences. One scene in particular, where five girls kill each other in about 10 seconds stands out as being exceptionally horrific, funny and strange. Oh and the game is run by their old school teacher, who wears a tracksuit and hates them in a bitter, given-up kind of way. It's not a nice film, but it's definitely gripping.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

"Can I have something more interesting?" I asked my bisexual hair-dresser at the town's busiest and most fashionable salon. "Well," he said "The fashion these days is to wear it a little longer at the back, and fanned out. We need to cultivate your hair, so in 5 to 6 weeks this can be achieved." Cultivate??? Is this normal language? I miss my side parting already.

Last week the UK Parliament Channel showed the whole of 'Decision 79' - the through-the-night election special that saw Margaret Thatcher take control of the country... changing everything forever. I often wonder what it would be like to go on holiday back to the 1970s - and watching this 8 hour marathon was about as close as I'll ever get. Rubbish in the streets everywhere. Bad teeth, badder hair, bad fashions... Most people did not dress in outrageous 1970s clothes (the like you'd see in Austin Powers and in retro clothes shops), but instead wore boring down-market crap. And the political incorrectness! "There have been a few old biddies here today who've been confused about how to vote..." said one broadcaster without blinking. That world is gone for good - and the future is so much shinier thank god.

Those pictures of Private Lynndie England et al have been weighing heavily on my mind all week. It's like someone remade Salo: 120 Days of Sodom with a real-life cast.

Three times this week have the Guardian mentioned "Mean Girls" which is going down a storm in the U.S. at the moment. I hope it's as good as they're claiming. In the meantime, I will have to make do with Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence Today's resolve: I will crack the evil plastic clique in my high school and take my rightful place as Princess Bitch.

Monday, May 03, 2004

There is so much trash tv on at the moment that I am becoming over-whelmed with it all. What's a discerning viewer to do? I have had to make some sacrifices in the name of having a life away from tv. So it's yes to "Fairy Godfathers", "I Want a Famous Face" and "Bad Girls", but no to "10 Years Younger" and anything with Derek Acorah in it. Fairy Godfathers takes the by now old and tired format of 'gay men give style and social skills make-over to clueless straight guys so their wives are impressed, everyone gets better sex (except the gay men) and we all live happily ever after with a few more stereotypes confirmed'. I recognise that this is a necessary step on the magic ladder to Better Representation - after all, it's better to show gay men as experts (even if it's in something as relatively trivial as what tie goes with what shirt), rather than showing them as freaks, victims or sick deviants - but I'm getting so impatient. Can't we just skip merrily up this little step on the ladder now and go on to the next stage - e.g. showing gay people as normal.