Tuesday, November 09, 2004

A friend was visiting at the weekend and wanted to see what Lancaster's gay scene was like so I took him to the only gay pub. As they go it's pretty typical - I certainly don't intend to slag it off as being any worse than any other place. However, that Jean Brodie phrase "for people who like that sort of thing, that is the sort of thing that they like" kept running through my head. As it was Saturday night, it was very full, people everywhere. The music was too loud to have a proper conversation, other than a few screamed inanities, most of which I misheard, so I ended up doing what I normally do and just nodded and smiled like I got it. And you know what, if there's anything I don't get - it's nightclubs, pubs, bars etc. Do people really want to stand up all night, getting jostled around, breathing in cigarette smoke, binge drinking, getting tinitus because of the noise? Is that really what constitutes a good time in our society? Is that the best we can come up with? Are we really so undemanding?

I think I will open up my own nightclub. It actually won't be a club, but will occur in a muddy field (and only when raining). I will serve meths laced with sugar and botulism at £3.50 a shot. People will also have bright lights shone into their eyes to give them permanent damage and be attacked at random intervals for no reason. There will also be a drag queen DJ who insults everyone. The "music" will be the sound of seals being culled, over a heavy bass drum beat played at 1000 decibels. You will have to pay a £5 entrance fee for this. I will call it something like "Probe" or "Juice" and advertise it heavily with colourful pretty flyers showing cartoons of muscle-bound Hungarian porn stars. All the cool kids are going to be there. Any takers?

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