1) SAVE MONEY! You don't have to bother reading George Orwell, Ray Bradbury, Philip K Dick or any other science fiction writer - the dystopian future is already here and live 24/7 on Fox News.
2) SHUT UP! Bill O'Reilly has this as his little catch-phrase. Somewhat interestingly, it's also the catch-phrase of fabulously camp Jack from Will & Grace. But while Jack uses it in that playful "What amazing news!" way, Bill O'Reilly uses "shut up" to mean, well "shut up!" How reassuringly literal. But when does it occur? Just watch out if one of his guests holds a middle-ground or (ohmigod) liberal opinion. First his eyes will start to bulge. Then his neck veins will stand out. "SHUT UP! You SHUT UP!" Watch him demand an ad break while the poor sap is "escorted" out of the building. I'm hoping that one day someone will cause Ms O'Reilly to have a heart attack onscreen by a) making a gay pass at him b) telling him he's a stupid cunt c) slapping him in the face with a big fish d) all of the above.
3) We REPORT! YOU DECIDE! Yes, contrary to what you may have heard, Fox News is an unbiased news channel. Whaaaaat? Are you daring to tut and disagree. How can you when their other slogan is "Fair and balanced".
4) WE WON! Yesssssss you Americans, why bother with the expense, and quite frankly the bordeom of a proper "above board" election, when Fox News can just tell you who wins without anyone having to do any of that funny "counting" of votes. During the last election it was Fox who got to choose who got to play the role of President of the United States by announcing it as a fact (when it wasn't). And this time round, they've already decided, months in advance that George W Bush is going to win again by saying things like "120 days until George W Bush is re-elected as President".
5) SCARY SCARY TERROR! Let's face it, the news is often a bit boring. And having it broadcast all day must mean that you might fall asleep or switch channels to watch something on VH1 with Paris Hilton. However, Fox News recognise this and have decided to "sex up" the news with a constant barrage of WHOOSHING logos and graphics that tell us "NEWS ALERT!!!!!!" and "TERROR ALERT!" Fox News will have you reaching for the emergency rations and torches and then you'll be ever so grateful when you realise it's just some little piece about Jennier Lopez and you don't have to go into the bunker for 30 years after all. Hurrah!
Despite all of this, I have decided that although Fox News is very good, it actually sometimes gets its facts a bit muddled and I even suspect that Bill O'Reilly is a little biased at times. So I have been looking round for a news source which is more unbiased and truthful. And readers! I have found it!! It's called Weekly World News and it is fabulous! Here are some headlines from it - I think you'll agree - it's a more accurate source of news than Fox News: "ISLAND OF TRANSVESTITES FOUND IN SOUTH PACIFIC", "POPE'S NAUGHTY SECRET Guess whose panties he keeps in his pocket!", "NEW DEMON IS WORSE THAN SATAN . . . SECRET VATICAN REPORT WARNS!". Sorry Fox News, but our relationship is over. Make way for Weekly World News.