Wednesday, March 24, 2004



Popdizzy says he'd like to see a gay film called The Open Relationship. I think one of the biggest hurdles to maturity that gay men face is in confronting that issue at some stage. I've lost count of the number of relationships between gay men which have failed because neither one would admit to wanting to have sex with other people. It's always the same sorry pattern - a public facade of devotion and monogamy, while sneering at others who aren't the same. Then one (or usually both) start having sex in secret, maintaining that they still love their partner but would be devastated if they caught them screwing around - the hypocrisy in this is rarely acknowledged but always justified because they're a special case somehow. At some point there is a dramatic discovery resulting in lots of slapping whilst wearing big mittens (metaphorically), and they split up. Both end up getting into new relationships far too quickly, just to show the other one how they're so "over" it all. The game-playing escalates until they end up getting back together briefly - dumping all over their new boyfriends who are relatively innocent in all of this, and they'll return to an increasingly sexless state of hypocrisy, bitterness and lies, culminating in them nursing a drink on a bar-stool in their early 50s and moaning to anyone who'll listen that "all men are bastards", they "wish they were straight", they've "been hurt so many times" and it's never their fault.

I've reached numerous conclusions about why there are so many single gay men in their 30s, 40s and 50s. An inability to be honest about what they want is one reason - hence the perpetual pattern of attachment, deception and break-up. Being "in love" with being in love is another. A lot of gay men seem to want the "honeymoon period" to happen over and over, and as soon as it gets too real or mundane, then they want out. Societal homophobia plays some part, as does the fact that some gay men try to recreate heterosexual "marriage", not realising that that ain't exactly the best model to follow if you're straight and it sure as hell isn't going to work if you're two men. Also, staying in the closet during your teenage years and early 20s means that your emotional development is arrested - it's no wonder that gay men lie once they get in relationships - some of them having been lying to their families and the rest of the world for years! And finally, not having children - a baby forces you to grow up and put someone other than yourself first for a couple of decades. Straights may be unremarkable, traditional and brimming over with sedentary tastes, but a lot of them get a head-start in being grown-ups once the babies start popping out. What do gay men have instead? Circuit parties!

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