Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Hate it! #1 Rude Chocolate

SEE! "The ultimate novelty experience" at I love chocolate. And let's face it, I love willies as well (as I'm sure do most of the regular readers of this site - yes, all 3 of them). But choclocate willies? No. No. No. I paid a trip to the gay themed shop Clone Zone to buy an "item" last week and was mortified to see various rude chocolates on sale - as well as willies there were after-dinner nipples. Now what sort of dinner party would you have chocolate nipples at? Can you just imagine how "hilarious" and "camp" it would be if your host produced these? Wouldn't you be making your excuses and leaving early? There is a place for humour in sex, but it shouldn't be reduced to such a purile "Oh isn't this naughty!" school-yard level. (The Cadburys Flake advert is at the borderline of subtlety for such things and should be used as a benchmark). As far as I'm concerned, anyone who's ever eaten a rude chocolate has demonstrated a deep sexual immaturity and should herewith have their ability to give informed consent to having sex removed from them. So there.

Hate it! #2 Themed Monopoly Sets

It once was the case that there was only one Monopoly game - it had Old Kent Road as the trashy common street, where residents no doubt had to keep a house brick on their kitchen tables, and Mayfair as the posh street - where you would dread landing on if someone else had one of those cute little red hotels on it. I used to love playing monopoly as a child - games that seemed to stretch on all night (my father who is an incorrigble Type A personality introduced me to the game when I was 5. He always played to win, even with very young children.) I still remember the excitement of holding "The Angel Islington" in my hands - the first property I ever bought.

But a few years ago all that changed and someone had the bright idea of making themed Monopoly sets. So if I wanted to I can buy one based round my home town of Lancashire - instead of Mayfair we have Lancaster Castle. Or even worse, you can buy The Simpsons as Monolopy. At other special editions include Disney, Star Wars Episode 2, Coronation Street, FA Premier League and Pokemon. Arrrgh! Why spoil something that was already good? Why flog a dead horse? It pains me for future generations terms like The Strand and Whitechapel will no longer have the same significance.

Fabulous Ebay purchase -

The Miss World Board Game Yes, you too can compete to become a beauty queen in this politically correct outrage from the 1970s. Experience all of the dizzy outrage, backstabbing and false sentiment as you claw your way to the top. This game needs a reissue now!

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Happy Mid-Winter Shopping Festival to you All!

Trash Addict is a whole year old. Hurrah. Last year I started writing this during my favourite week of the year - that bit between Christmas and New Years when I refuse to do any work and instead watch movies, read for pleasure and do the sales. All of that additional unaccustomed happiness makes the creativity sacs in my brain swell up - and hence Trash Addict was born.

Thank you to whoever invented the Epsom EMP-TW10 projector - having installed it in the spare room, pointed it at a blank wall, it now projects all my DVDs at a size of 80 inches (and to get all size queen on you, bigger is better). You haven't lived until you've seen Joan Collins bear her tits in The Bitch - larger than life on your wall. I don't think I'll ever want to go outside again, except to buy more DVDs.

One thing about Christmas that annoys me is Christmas songs. How many times have I heard "I Wish It Could be Christmas Every Day" this month? Too many. In the past, you actually used to hear proper hymns - which were quiet and peaceful. Now 1970s tacky Christmas pop has replaced hymns - secular loudness for all to enjoy. Well it stinks - I may be agnostic, but give me O Little Town of Bethlehem every time over Here It Is Merry Christmas Everybody's Having Fun. Even Trash Addict can admit that sometimes too much trash is a bad thing. Slade - take note.

Monday, December 22, 2003

I find it kind of funny

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the first casualty of Christmas is good taste: if you don't believe me see Groc who has been diligently documenting this for weeks. Santa Claus may bring presents, but let's face it - that red and white ensemble may be a courageous fashion choice, but it's not a good one. And who sports a long white beard these days unless they're Ian McKellen on the set of Lord of the Rings? Pop music, traditionally at this time of the year, along with cinema, tv, news etc - is moronic, utterly mainstream and kind of sad...

Mad World, a very melancholy tune sung by Gary Jules (and made popular by the cult film Donnie Darko) is Britian's new number one for Christmas - beating a host of somewhat cynically, Christmas-themed pop tunes including the Pop Idol contestants and Avid Merrion. Where are all the grannies - who traditionally dicate what will be Christmas Number One? Why are poetry-writing teenagers with dyed black hair, who sit in their bedrooms with the light off deciding who gets to be number 1 this year?

And in another twist - Michelle (the one who has been described 100 times as having a "big personality") is Britian's new pop idol. Again, where are all the grannies who should have voted in their millions for Andy, Sam or Mark to win? Why does the girl who looks like she should be bullied in the playground beat 19,999 hopefuls - many of them shiny, happy teenagers with perfectly proportioned bodies, flaunting their flat, pierced navals and tossing manes of glossy blonde hair? What's going on? Is this finally the end of plastic pop?

Sunday, December 14, 2003

You four-eyed fuck!

My new favourite person is actress Susie Essman who plays the shrewish, foul-mouthed, perrenially bitter and crazy ex-wife of Larry David's agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Dressed in hideous tight leather pants and sporting a hairstyle that Medusa would be proud of, Susie always manages to thwart Larry's plans because she HATES him. In the episode shown above, Susie has one of her best ever scenes. The plot leading up to this is suitably complicated, but all you need to know is that Larry has stolen a doll's head from Susie's house. Susie responds with:

"Where's the head? I know you took the doll's head whereisit? WHERE'S THE FUCKING HEAD? The kid is home, HY-STER-I-CAL because her doll Judy has been DE-CAP-I-TAT-ED! Cos you two sickos took the head for God knows what reason some VOODOO shit you're doing where is it? Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is. Alright just get me the fucking head alright, get me the fucking head alright, both of you, because I've had it, ya four eyed fuck and ya fat piece of shit. GET ME THE HEAD!"

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Hurrah for Brutallo and his special mail-order service where you buy difficult-to-find DVDs. Here are some of my recommendations.

Strangers With Candy

"Hello, I'm Jerri Blank and I'm a 46-year-old high school freshman. For 32 years I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser. My friends were dealers, cons, and 18 karat pimps. But now I'm out of jail, picking up my life exactly where I left off. I'm back in high school, living at home, and discovering all sorts of things about my body. I'm finding out that though the faces have changed, the hassles are just the same."

Strangers With Candy is a great comedy series that never made it to the UK. It's based on a 1970 documentary called The Trip Back which starred real life ex-junkie Florrie Fisher who lectured in school about how she used to "cook up breakfast in a teaspoon".

Any resemblance between Florrie and Jerri is totally intentional.

Angel Angel Down We Go

A bizarre film penned by the fabulous Robert Thom (who also wrote Wild in the Streets). In Angel, Angel, an overweight debutante becomes obsessed with a drugged out pop star and invites him and his crazed entourage back to the mansion where he seduces her, her mother and her father. Lots of psychedlic sequences and pop songs, and we get to see bona fide movie star Jennifer Jones saying things like "I made 30 stag films and never faked an orgasm" and calling her maid a "bloody sadistic dyke". This is one groovy film, rarely seen and much under-rated. It'll blow your mind.

Who Killed Teddy Bear

Who knew that little Sal Mineo had such nice muscles and could dance like a gogo slut on heat? This film has it all - dirty phone calls, lesbian passes, stalking, Times Square porn shops, twisted policemen, big hair and Sal fondling himself in underwear.


In this little known Cher vehicle, the great one plays a drifter who runs away from home and encounters all manner of low-lifes. Cher named her daughter after the character she played. This film showed at the London Lesbian and Gay film festival this year to a rather uncrowded house who left in stunned silence at the end. However, there was one person in the audience who responded with thrilled applause when the credits rolled. That person, dear reader, was me. Let's rehabilitate Chastity. We owe it to (C)her.

Also at the site is the Karen Carpenter biopic with dolls and some very strange looking Japanese animation with shop store dummies. Check it out.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Phlegm is no friend of mine

I think I am ready for a holiday. Work is getting on my nerves, I have a cold and a caffine withdrawal headache. All the usual things that I like: writing letters of complaint to newspapers or the ITC, blow-drying my hair, laughing at the Gay Dating channel, thinking about George Clooney's backside, the How Clean Is Your House ladies - none of them are doing the usual trick.

This morning our newspaper delivery person mistakently left behind a list of all of the newspaper orders for our area. Shockingly, we are the only people to order The Guardian. But there were a lot of Tory Broadsheets on the list. It made me realise I'm living in a nest of privileged Tory vipers! How to subvert them to wanting higher taxes?

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I'm lovin' it.™

These three simple words demonstrate a gigantic step in how humanity conceputalises its relationship to time. At the English teachers are fighting over it - is it grammatical? Is loving a verb? Is it even possible to use "love" in the continuous tense?

The phrase is the title of a Justin Timberlake song, and has also been adopted, along with the Mr Timberlake as part of McDonalds new advertising campaign, although there have been detractors. McDonalds, bless em, have even trademarked the phrase "I'm lovin' it."

The question I've been asking myself if why? This phrase has gone way beyond the realms of pop song and advertising campaign. I keep hearing it everywhere. Dermot O'Leary said it all summer on Big Brother, in The Guardian I read it. People are saying things like "I'm loving your new outfit" instead of "I love your new outfit." What's going on? Where has it come from and why?

To get all academic, "I'm lovin it™" is an example of the present continuous. And I think it's a sign of the continuing informalisation of language. We're all living more in the present continuous than in the past or the future. I think this is demonstrated by things like the fact that mass mobile phone usage means that the need to make and stick to plans or meetings is now continually open to re-negotiation. Want to meet somewhere else for your date, or bring someone else along. Phone and tell them. Everything can happen instantaneously. Innovations like Tivo and Sky Plus have changed the way people watch television - we can pause Live TV, watch TV when and where we want. The need for planning (such as setting the video) is no longer necessary. Want something? Buy it now on hire purchase, on a credit card, on a loan. Why wait? As our society is becoming geared towards instant gratification of needs in the present, so our language is beginning to reflect this. "I'm lovin' it" means it's happening right now, and it's on-going. Are you lovin' it™ too?

Monday, December 01, 2003

My parents finally moved house a couple of weeks ago. They've lived in the house where I was brought up for over 30 years. It was a nice place when they first moved there - one of those New Towns, built in the 1960s. I remember it as a sunny place in the 70s, with lots of green open spaces. However, by the 1980s it had gone to the dogs (both my junior and senior schools were burnt down the year before I was due to start them respectively). The 1990s saw an influx of drug pushers and crime. Peterlee really was the trashiest place in the world to live. It was designed by architects who wanted to do something a bit different and interesting. However, the cubist council houses with their weird designs were wasted on the working class locals - it later transpired they had been built using asbestos and all had to be dismantled. And the famous Passmore Pavillion, which looked like it had been made out of building bricks soon became a dumping ground for shopping trolleys and empty beer cans.

Here are some things that the locals have said about my home town, from knowhere.

The Best Things

  • the a19leading out of peterlee
  • The road out!
  • the A19 road out of Peterlee that is taking my bag and baggage away from here to glorius Devon very soon
  • The Central, the Dene , most people in the town support Sunderland A.F.C. got to be a good thing.

The Worst Things

  • nightlife
  • everything apart from the pubs and the bus station (your means of escape)
  • The carvers - more or less anyone who went to Shotton Hall or Dene House Comp's
  • Building in progress, and lot's of it!
  • Peterlee is full of cheap shops rubbish clothes and plastic ornaments there are plenty of cheap sports shops.This is because people here think its trendy to wear nothing else but track suits and scruffy trainers its like a uniform Perhaps because there is no money about (no one seems to work they are all on the dole) There is also lots of betting shops bingo halls and fag shops.
  • Non existent public transport, Job centre queue (anyone whos been there will know).No decent club. Its in serious decline and probably wont ever improve.
  • The town council website that says it jealously guards all of the open green spaces where the young people can play - then immediately grants planning permission for a new police office and magistrates court to be built on the best site!! Hypocrites!!
  • All the boy racers in their NO FEAR max power sticker cars.

I can sympathise with a lot of this. When I was young my bedroom window overlooked the fabled A19 road and I would watch the cars speeding past, wondering where they were going and dreaming of the day when I could simply get into a car of my own and drive away, off into the night, never to return. Now my parents have left, there is no reason why I should ever return.

This building was the local haunted house when I was young. It later got converted into council offices. However, even looking at this picture now kind of scares me. It was known as "Jack's" and we were all convinced that Jack (whoever he was) was going to kill us for trespassing. A game that we used to play involved running up to the building and touching it, then running away again (OK we were 7 - Playstations hadn't been invented yet, that passed for fun).
Ode to Roddy

I have fallen in love with Roddy Mancuso. He was a character in Big Brother 3 (America) which I have been watching on DVD.

He's intelligent (is a writer), dead charming and has a great body and nice hair. Everyone wants to vote him out because they know how charismatic he is.

Not only is it very difficult to be in love with an Alpha-Male contestant on a reality show (that happened three years ago and everyone else has forgotten), the bastard has the audacity to go and be heterosexual. How dare he?