Friday, May 02, 2003

Question: What does Muller Yoghurt, the British National Party, The Church and The Mafia all have in common?

Answer: Homosexual Panic!!!

It's been a funny week, when strands of homophobia seem to be coming from all corners at once, making some oddly humorous alliances between dissolute groups.

Muller Yoghurt have another "episode" in their Gay Fear ad campaign. If you remember, in the first one a lovely young heterosexual couple are on a plane (possibly going on their honeymoon). Naturally those red-blooded normals can't keep their hands off each other (how lovely and sweet) so decide to pop into the loo to make love. While the boyfriend's taking off his clothes, the girlfriend gets waylaid by a Muller Yoghurt so she never shows up (in reality they take 3 seconds to eat but we'll let that pass as I have bigger fish to fry). So when boyfriend hears a knock on the door, he opens it and pulls in the waiting person outside. But *gasp* it's a man. And by the look of anticipation and approval on this stranger's face he must be gay. Ohmigod! Someone call a priest! Or a nurse! The plane will have to be diverted and escorted by the Air Force until SWAT troops can surround it!

In episode 2 of the Muller Yoghurt Panic saga, our lovely young couple have arrived at their hotel. Girlfriend sends out the boyfriend to get ice, which he does (completely naked of course - how very hilarious etc). But the door locks and he's stuck in the corridor with just the ice-bucket. And oh no! Who should come waltzing past but the gay guy from last time who now gets a good eyeful of our heterosexual man's bits and bobs, and smiles appreciatively. Crikey!

Incase Muller are running out of ideas for where this little "story" can go - can I suggest two scenarios for episode 3. In the first one, the couple are driving through town and their car breaks down - it needs an oil change. The young man goes into a nearby building to ask for oil, but it turns out to be a gay sauna! How hilarious etc, packed with about 50 simpering queens who are all played by the same guy from the previous two ads. "We haven't got any oil, but we find Muller Yoghurt makes a splendid anal lubricant" says one of them, "Would you like to try?" The heterosexual man is shocked, but oddly aroused - after all - who can resist Muller yoghurt? So he spends the rest of his life being fucked up the ass by a line of eager gay studs. The end. Or if that's too shocking for you - and I'm guessing ad campaigners won't be able to cope with that happy resolution, how about this one - The happy heterosexual couple are in a restaurant. They order a big vat of Muller Yoghurt for their meal as it's so delicious. But when it arrives, who should pop out of it, but the gay guy, who's naked. He drags the heterosexual man into the vat of Muller Yoghurt with him, drowning him in Yoghurt while raping him at the same time. I think the ad execs might go for that one. What do you think?

Meanwhile, on another planet altogether, the British Nazi, sorry National Party have made a few gains in the local elections. Nick Griffin was interviewed on local tv last night and declared that the other parties were full of "padeophiles and crooks". The interviewer said "Does your party have any paedophiles and crooks in it?" "We have NO paedophiles," said Nick with certainty. Then he fell silent. Ah, but what about those crooks Nick? Afer one election result, we were told the BNP slid off into the night making Nazi salutes and shouting Seig Heil etc. How lovely for them. They've been harrassing a gay pub near where I live over the last week - despite their attempts to appear concerned with "what the people want" - they can't help but show themselves up for the nasty, evil bigots that they are.

And a further two stories in the Guardian today, demonstrate how homophobia gets in all those difficult nooks and crannies... The Church are trying to get out of the Amsterdam treaty which makes it illegal to employ someone on the grounds of their sexuality. Here's a couple of facts they might want to consider a) God doesn't exist so you may as well all go home and b) the Church is full of gay people anyway. If they were banned, it'd all go to pieces.

And finally, Mafia members have assassinated one of their own because he was a (and I quote directly) a "homosexual gay man" (the mind boggles doesn't it). Those poor Mafia guys - sitting round, wringing their hands and worrying that "the neighbours might find out." It's another case of "Oh my god - what will people SAY? Oh no! I care so much about other people's opinions." Yeah, so real tough behaviour there then. Lots of bada-bing or bling or whatever stupid nonsense word the media would have us believe they're all saying now.

Why are they all so scared of gay men? It's not like we care about them at all. Do they have so little confidence in their own sexual identities that they have to dump on someone else? Get over it bitches, or I'll be round with my Muller Yoghurt.

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