Sunday, March 30, 2003

My Aunty Ethel (90) loves her video player (which she can't use). Her favourite films tend to be rather brutal horror ones - so perhaps the image of easily shocked pensioners (as described below in the Lancaster Guardian news item) is only one side of the story. Or maybe it's just in my family. I present some of the pensioner fiction that I hope to be reading, when I'm that age anyway:

Ibruprofen Vice!

72-year old Enid wasn't used to the tough ways on the "inside". Abandoned by her grown-up children to "Sunny Heights" a notorious retirement village, Enid had to learn the hard way - that to survive in Sunny Heights you had to sell whatever you had! Enid soon gets caught up in an illegal Ibruprofen smuggling racket, led by Kingpin Jimmy (Dentures) Malone. However, bedsores are going to be the least of Jimmy's problems when Nurse Brady finds their secret stash of anti-imflammatory drugs hidden in a hollow walking cane. Can Enid find love, and legal relief from arthritic pain? Or will she go under?

Rough Crossing!

Overweight twin sisters Hettie and Bella (83) had always shared everything - war rations, recipes and varicose veins. But now here was something they couldn't share - a toy boy who threatened to drive a rift between their sisterly love... forever! Enter Willard Perkins - a 65 year old stud with a spring in his insoles. With his rock 'n' roll music and penchant for driving at 5 miles over the speed limit, the sisters are bowled over. But only one of them can live in "the fast lane" with Willard. However, tragedy ensues in the climatic ending - the three adventurers-in-love end up fighting for their lives during a turbulent ferry crossing to the Isle of Mann - and for one of their number - they won't be needing the return ticket!

The Neighbourhood Watchers

Nobody could put one past octagenarian amateur detective team Bert and Bessy Holgreaves - 45 years as a security guard/porter for Robinson's Jam had made Bert the best in the business, while Bessy's curtain-twitching had ensured she was always the first with street gossip. So when someone started stealing milk bottles from "The Close", everyone expected the intrepid pair to solve the mystery before you could say "dole scroungers from the rough council estate". But what started off as an open-and-shut case soon became something far more sinister... asylum seekers... pictures of kiddies on the internet... a picnic site where homosexual men met for homosexual sex! Before they knew it, they'd got in too deep - and the only way out was down!

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