Tuesday, January 07, 2003

I have been challenged to reveal pictures of tacky items in my home. Unfortunately, I don't have any "eternal beau" kitchen-ware. But after digging around, I've come up with the following list - and yes, I love them all.

A bottle garden - that ultra 1970s piece of plant kitsch. My parents had one - eventually everything in it dried out and died. This one seems to be doing quite well - although note how the plants are growing out of the top of it - they're clearly trying to ESCAPE...

Proudly adorning my mantlepiece is this pensioner couple, which cost £1.50 from a charity shop. Are they ironic? Are they a reminder of the council estate where I grew up, where many families owned such decorative statuettes? Or do I just like them?

Ah, the Blue Lady. No House of Kitsch would be complete without her beatific presence - The Mona Lisa of tack and a constant source of inspiration.

I've never been that comfortable with this mock fireplace in my living-room. When you turn it on, four sad little pretend flames come to life and flicker reluctantly. I tried moving it altogether, but then the mantlepiece looked oddly vacant.

My huge collection of gay magazines from the 1970s that were donated to me by an elderly nudist from Teeside. I drove miles there one Sunday, and he opened the door in a jockstrap. "It's just as well I knew you were coming," he told me. "Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered getting dressed!"

Can anyone beat this? Do you have a poster of a bare-chested man holding a baby from Athena skulking in your bedroom? How about a lampshade with a picture of a crying harlequinn on it? A home-made "snake" draft excluder, or the mythical object which started this all off - a toilet-roll holder in the shape of a "lady"? Confess it all here.

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